Scientific Method

I have been conducting an experiment this past month. Others might say I've just been lazy beyond belief but I was just working undercover so as not to influence the test subjects (Did you know that fuzzy bathrobes make for great camouflage?).

Scientific Method requires a question, a hypothesis, an experiment, recorded outcome, and conclusion

Question: What gives my children more joy?

Hypothesis: Oh, who am I trying to kid. I knew the answer all along but was really enjoying being lazy.

Experiment: Let children glut themselves on toys, games, and movies. Leave them free to play by not having them do any chores. Let them live in their own filth. After an adequate amount of time for subjects to get used to situation suddenly have them do chores, clean, get rid of LOTS of their toys, games, and movies, and teach them new working skills.

WARNING: The following includes highly graphic and disturbing material. If you are judgemental or squeamish in any way please exit this window immediately and find a craft or recipe blog to read.

Record of experiment:

Week one: kids were fine, no one complained, house got messy, I watched many movies and gained 7 pounds, husband was a bit shocked.

Week two: kids still seem fine. Subject #1 walks around sighing a lot and subject #3 has been reverting to 3 year old types of mischief (drawing on younger sibling, furniture and walls). House continues to increase in messiness, a blockbuster movie is missing and we are being charged for the movie but I can't find it in all this mess. I read a book, watched 3 movies, checked all my regular blogs twice and then went looking for new blogs to read, gained 4 pounds and stopped feeding my children. Husband is quieter than usual.

Week 3: Kids are acting funny. They seem to enjoy fighting and whining and complain of being bored. Also, there language is being affected and they are using "bad" words like stupid, dummy head, fart, and buster (for some reason that last name made subject #1 cry). They say there is nothing fun to do and when I recommend cleaning they suddenly disappear. They ask to go to the park or to play computer games but there are firm rules about chores and such things. Kids apparently prefer being bored to cleaning. I have stopped cooking all together, have served cold cereal for dinner 3 times this week and ordered pizza another night. Laundry has not been done for 3 days and there are no socks or underwear for the kids. Husband tosses ice cream at the primitive mother beast and hides in his office to play Sudoku.

Week 4: Kids are banished from my presence they have become so annoying. Because they have taken apart or destroyed all their toys and games they have started taking apart the house. Fake wood trim has been torn off, a window is cracked, and there are 7 new stains on the living room carpet. I am experiencing a funny emotional disconnect to the whole situation. It feels like an out of body experience as I look around and think, "Man, what monsters live here?" Suddenly I look down at the unshaven legs peeking out from my bath robe and I realize, the monster is ME! Husband is unable to hide in his office because I have started moving all my hideous piles into that room and there is no room for him. Instead he goes to bed early.

****For the safety of the test subjects it is determined that the experiment must be moved into phase 2 and FAST!

Day one: I announce that it is time to do some cleaning. Kids disappear. I leave them be and use the time to clean my own filth.

Day two: A repeat of Day one but subject #2 actually picks up several objects before fading into the debris.

Day three: I bath all subjects, trim their claws/nails, cut hair on male subjects so as to be able to see their eyes, and force them all out into natural sunlight for 2 hours. Then I make them eat some fresh fruit and vegetables. This seems to calm them. We attempt to clean. Subject #1 goes into a rage, subject #2 is willing to participate in the new activity, subject #3 complains that his feet hurt and he itches, subject #4 is put down for a nap. We clean for 2 straight hours but little difference is seen. Children are grumpy. I am bathing and dressing myself again and I even make dinner. Husband says I look nice and prints off a new Sudoku.

Day four: Make children change into clean clothes and they feel the need to ask why. Cleaning continues and the same reactions are seen in respective subjects, however after 2 more hours of cleaning it is easy to see a difference being made and all subjects end up happy and excited to show their daddy what they've done. I start wearing make up, made lunch and dinner today. Husband is happy to see the changes but is wary of believing it to be a permanent change.

Day Five: Take children outside to clean up our white trash yard. We fill the garbage can with much stuff. Many lost gloves, spoons, cups, and shoes are found. I mow the lawn. Children suddenly show interest in playing together and spend an additional 2 hours outside playing soccer, tag, and digging holes under the deck. All receive baths and they all seem happy and helpful the rest of the evening. I go to the store and buy new plastic containers to increase our organizing efficiency and even take subjects #3 and 4 to the children's museum. Husband is extra helpful cleaning the kitchen with me after dinner and helping get kids into bed.

Day 6: Laundry is caught up and put away, dishes are done, I am no longer embarrassed to have people over. Today we intend to finish cleaning downstairs. I have bought nice plastic containers to help the kids sort their toys and some plastic drawers to try this idea with my laundry.

Conclusion: Contrary to what children say, it is obvious that they don't really want to be left alone, or to not work. While subjects seem to complain more in phase 2 of the experiment it is obvious that they are more joyful, constructive, calm, and play together better in this phase. They seem to prefer having clean open spaces in which to run and play physical games than they do being surrounded by electronic gadgets and toys and TV.

We will continue studying subject behavior in phase 2 for 1 more week. Then we will try phase 3 in which we increase the responsibilities and reduce the amount of stuff in subjects' environment.

Pictures are not being used as they were found to be too graphic and shocking for normal human viewing.