Monday, July 28, 2008

What You'd Never Expect When Expecting

A whole week with no new blog post. I can't remember ever going that long without posting. I've been writing blog posts in my head, I just can't seem to find the time to write them without giving up something more necessary (like bathing, eating, or talking to my kids). Back in May I was interviewed by Michelle from Scribbit and I answered several questions on blogging (HA! As if I'm some high-falooten blogger. I'm still such a greenie). In the interview I said that one of the most common mistakes made by new bloggers is infrequent posting. I forgot to leave out the other mistake that new bloggers sometimes make: having babies. Seriously, while Cheeks is giving me plenty of blogging material he is also sucking up any free blogging time I once had. Lucky for him he is totally worth it ("Yes you are, Mr. Cutie Face. Aren't you the cutest little Mr. Man ever? Yes, yes you are! Goochy gooooo,"). Someone needs to invent a machine that lets us mentally write blog posts, because the ones I mentally write at 3am while dancing with a fussy baby are surely some of my best works ever (or at least my most entertaining).

Here is an example of what a 3am mentally written blog post would look like:

"What to Expect When You're Expecting... HA! I should write a book called, What to Expect When You're Going Crazy. I mean, people really need to be warned about these things. You know, things like:

1. Low blood sugar causes insanity. When you are yelling at your children over a small salad spill in the car and you start bawling because the mere thought of giving your McDonald's cheeseburger to your daughter, to replace her spilled salad, throws you into a massive mental pit of despair... Yeah, just forget what you were going to do, turn the car around, go home, put whatever food you can find into your mouth, and just breath. In about 20 minutes everything will be just fine. Just remember, never leave the house unless you are sure you've actually eaten something in the last 5 hours and always bring a snack with you.

2. Pantyliners make great nursing pads. Sometimes mothers of multiple children get lured into a false sense of security when it comes to leaking. For instance, I leaked all the time with my first baby, but not so much with my second and not at all with my third and fourth. I wrongly assumed that breast leakage was something that only happened to newbies, and not all-knowing veterans like myself. When you find yourself in a leaky situation without any pads to be had, never fear. Just cut some circles out of a pantyliner and, voila! The sticky back of the pantyliner is also great for holding the make-shift nursing pad in place.

3. You may hate your husband simply because he is a man. If you are driving with your husband and you point laughingly at a Urology Clinic's sign that reads, "Laugh, cough, sneeze... leak? Call 1-800-" and your husband says, "I don't get it," you may feel an intense hatred for him and his manhood (men have it waaaaaay too easy). Don't hit him. Just point laughingly at the Urology clinic's other sign, "Vasectomy!"

4. Your other children WILL live. They will live through a few months, or even a year, of too much TV. They will survive even without any sense of a routine or quality interaction with their mother. They will still love you even after witnessing your moments of sheer insanity. They will even be able to go to college despite the absolute lack of any educational experiences during the first year of the new baby. So, don't stress out about it.

Can't you see this being a New York Times bestseller? Huh, huh? Can't ya? Yeah, maybe I better just stick to nursing and diapers. =)

20 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I would totally buy your book.

And . . . I do not buy into the notion that infrequent posting is a common mistake. Unless your blog is your JOB, we aren't punching time clocks. Gosh.

Post when you want. You're on the Google Reader of those who love you. They'll read when you post.

Breathe.

And pantyliners are sheer genius. You can stick them right in the bra, non-slip protection. ;-)

Michal said...

i just have to say that i adore you. and think that you are doing a marvelous job. and i am taking copious notes, since i hope to have another baby next summer--i hope my readers will forgive occasional once-a-week posts then. actually, i hope they forgive it now, since it has been known to happen.
hang in there and keep your blood sugar levels in a good place!

Annie said...

Don't forget the chapter about hair: yours, mine and theirs.

After each baby was born I cut my hair. I really don't know why.

We kept our sons hair white walled until after his sister turned two.

Hats are a perfectly good look for a hubby whose zombie like wife cut his hair.

The Lazy Organizer said...

Panty liners stick!!! That is so smart!! I'm past the leaking stage and the having more babies stage but I would have definitely used that idea!

Low blood sugar is my nemesis. And I agree about the mental posting. I write the best blog posts when I'm in the shower. They are brilliant I tell you but the world will never know.

Tirzah said...

Ha!!

Being pregnant and having the baby brought me a lot of comments, but, I am probably losing most of the readership, since even when I have the time to write, I don't feel all that insightful or funny!

An Ordinary Mom said...

It would easily be a best seller ... maybe I will write the foreword for you since my latest post is right up this alley :) !!

Leaking milk? Even though this is my third, I might as well buy stock in nursing pads. Yep, I have to use them the entire time I nurse and then some. I guess I should be grateful I have adequate milk flowage.

Low blood sugar? That gets me every time.

And reason #4 you gave? That is what I most needed to hear today ... and tomorrow, and the next day, etc.

OK, if you can do this, I can do this ... we might just need some girl time in between nursing sessions!

Awesome Mom said...

I totally hear you on the mental blogging. My blogging would be soo much more interesting if I could blog that way.

Lisa said...

So funny! I don't have a new baby and I mental blog, too. That is all I've got lately. :) Hang in there!!

Richelle said...

You are hilarious! I would totally buy your book. I agree with #1. I was having a rough day the other day and realized both me AND my son were hungry (and tired). It was a whole lot better after we got some food. :)

Melanie said...

I love this post. You are great. I don't think posting often matters unless you are a newbie or really trying to up the people reading your blog. Don't sweat it!! Thanks for the comments too. I sooo can't wait for the kids to go back to school. If you don't stop having kids they will never all be in school haha!!

Amber M. said...

I'd buy your book.

Been so missing your posts, but this one was worth the wait. You CRACK ME UP!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Oh, boy, doesn't that bring back memories! Yes, the kids will survive - concentrate on the loving, cute moments and ignore the rest. I'd love to have a baby for us all to play with right now.

Poppy said...

Nice to see you back...I'm glad that my older ones will survive...I'm pregnant with #4, we just moved to a new state and I am still feeling yucky, so my kids are getting waaaay too much tv time right now and there is a complete lack of schedule. I hope their little heads don't pop off when they head back to school in a few weeks!

dotmother said...

This was hilarious - why can't I sympathize with you on this one - hmmm have I got stories to tell about you as a child! And you survived my sleep-deprived, low-blood sugar motherhood!

Laura said...

Why the heck they don't mention the panty-liners idea in any book is beyond me... it's BRILLIANT! And probably a lot less expensive than the non-slip breast pads. You could probably get 2 out of a LightDays pad, right?

I think I had low blood-sugar last night because I cried yelled and pouted A LOT! In response, probably all my kids were crying, and my husband was saying to me, 'you need to get over this one quickly'. What does "this one" mean? Do I do this so frequently that he mentally takes count of each attempt at my family's lives?

Now I'm blubbering. Time to go get a spoon of peanut-butter.

Scribbit said...

Have to say that having a baby in there kind of relieves you from any daily posting requiremnents. It's in the rule book or something.

elena jane said...

omg, i never thought of pantyliners. this needs to be in BOLD letters for every nursing mom. and i leaked and dripped all the time, before during and after. i could squirt across the room!! i went thru nursing pads so much, i used to leak thru them and my shirt and a hanky!
and those 3am thoughts are the best...:)

Sonja said...

Definitely a New York Times best seller! I've told you a couple of times now, you need to contact a publisher. :)

It's just so fun to come and read how you make life so fun.

Hang in there. I can not believe how you can come up with the stuff (panty-liner nursing pad?--genius) with all that is going on. It just confirms to me that you are a really terrific person. And your kids are so lucky to have you.

just jamie said...

Okay so smart with the panty-liners. Yeah, wow.

And if you DO invent that mental blogging machine, let me know. I totally write the best posts (in my head) in the shower, and just before falling asleep. I swear I'm genius ... until I wake up.

Jeanette said...

I so need that mental blogging machine!
My baby is 13 months old and I am still leaking. Of course it has gotten worse the last few weeks because I am trying, and failing miserably, to wean her. But I never stop leaking. I have absolutely no worries about my babies milk supply. Usually around 6 months I get tired of wearing pads all the time and and just start praying I won't leak until I get home or at least back in the car on my way home...
I think everyone who reads your blog understands if there is a lack of posts right now.