What You'd Never Expect When Expecting

A whole week with no new blog post. I can't remember ever going that long without posting. I've been writing blog posts in my head, I just can't seem to find the time to write them without giving up something more necessary (like bathing, eating, or talking to my kids). Back in May I was interviewed by Michelle from Scribbit and I answered several questions on blogging (HA! As if I'm some high-falooten blogger. I'm still such a greenie). In the interview I said that one of the most common mistakes made by new bloggers is infrequent posting. I forgot to leave out the other mistake that new bloggers sometimes make: having babies. Seriously, while Cheeks is giving me plenty of blogging material he is also sucking up any free blogging time I once had. Lucky for him he is totally worth it ("Yes you are, Mr. Cutie Face. Aren't you the cutest little Mr. Man ever? Yes, yes you are! Goochy gooooo,"). Someone needs to invent a machine that lets us mentally write blog posts, because the ones I mentally write at 3am while dancing with a fussy baby are surely some of my best works ever (or at least my most entertaining).

Here is an example of what a 3am mentally written blog post would look like:

"What to Expect When You're Expecting... HA! I should write a book called, What to Expect When You're Going Crazy. I mean, people really need to be warned about these things. You know, things like:

1. Low blood sugar causes insanity. When you are yelling at your children over a small salad spill in the car and you start bawling because the mere thought of giving your McDonald's cheeseburger to your daughter, to replace her spilled salad, throws you into a massive mental pit of despair... Yeah, just forget what you were going to do, turn the car around, go home, put whatever food you can find into your mouth, and just breath. In about 20 minutes everything will be just fine. Just remember, never leave the house unless you are sure you've actually eaten something in the last 5 hours and always bring a snack with you.

2. Pantyliners make great nursing pads. Sometimes mothers of multiple children get lured into a false sense of security when it comes to leaking. For instance, I leaked all the time with my first baby, but not so much with my second and not at all with my third and fourth. I wrongly assumed that breast leakage was something that only happened to newbies, and not all-knowing veterans like myself. When you find yourself in a leaky situation without any pads to be had, never fear. Just cut some circles out of a pantyliner and, voila! The sticky back of the pantyliner is also great for holding the make-shift nursing pad in place.

3. You may hate your husband simply because he is a man. If you are driving with your husband and you point laughingly at a Urology Clinic's sign that reads, "Laugh, cough, sneeze... leak? Call 1-800-" and your husband says, "I don't get it," you may feel an intense hatred for him and his manhood (men have it waaaaaay too easy). Don't hit him. Just point laughingly at the Urology clinic's other sign, "Vasectomy!"

4. Your other children WILL live. They will live through a few months, or even a year, of too much TV. They will survive even without any sense of a routine or quality interaction with their mother. They will still love you even after witnessing your moments of sheer insanity. They will even be able to go to college despite the absolute lack of any educational experiences during the first year of the new baby. So, don't stress out about it.

Can't you see this being a New York Times bestseller? Huh, huh? Can't ya? Yeah, maybe I better just stick to nursing and diapers. =)