Torture

I take my role as family pain inflictor very seriously.

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For this reason I try to have the best torture devices out there in my home.

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I'll do anything to elicit screams, wails, moans, groans, and outright begging for mercy.

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The louder they complain, the better mother I am... right?

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What is your favorite way to torture children?

A Special Breed

Apparently in Connecticut the animals can walk through trees.

Freeeeeeeaky.

(Either that or one of the neighborhood boys is playing a prank on me. Don't mess with me boys, I'm halfway to crazy as it is.)

Freaky Doppelganger

Do you ever miss the exuberant, confident, clumsy, and clueless Mary Katherine Gallagher from SNL?

Well no worries, people. She is alive and well and continues to pursue her dream of becoming a famous singer.

To Whom it May Concern,

Dear Children,
I love you so, but I just mopped the kitchen, which entailed me crawling on the floor with a butter knife, scraping petrified cheerios off the floor, and if you step one foot on that bright, shiny floor I will go insane and have your father commit me to a loony bin.
All my love,
Your adoring Mother.
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Dear Baby,
I understand that I am covered in cloth and therefore might logically be considered a giant walking wash rag. But I'm not. Please do your best to refrain from drooling, spitting, wiping, regurgitating, snotting, or pooping on me. If you don't like what you are eating, please go spit it in the garbage can, don't bring it to me and wipe it on my leg.
Thanks ever so much.
Your adoring Mother.
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Dear Boys,
I know you think wiping is not a manly act. Fine. Just don't make such an effort to display your manliness on the bedroom and bathroom floors. There are hampers all over the house. If you'd like I can draw you a map to each one. When I say I love everything about you this isn't included.
Unconditionally yours,
Mom
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Dear Teenage Daughter,
I know too well the look of disdain in your eyes, I once used the same death rays on my mother when I was your age. Life will never be fair, and I will continue to be useless in your eyes until the day you have a daughter of your own. Just do me a favor until then and wear sunglasses.
Understandingly yours,
Your Mommy
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Dear Husband,
I'm so very sorry about the late fees at the library, for loosing yet another GPS, and for spending too much at Amazon.com. But really, it's still cheaper than the therapy I should be getting or the medications I should probably be on.
Guiltily yours,
Your Wife (who you are contractually required to love)
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Dear Teachers,
If my child tells you that the baby ate their homework, please do not call them irresponsible liars and write their names on the board because, in fact, the baby did eat their homework. While he was at it, the baby also drew on my walls and flushed a dirty diaper down the toilet. Homework was a little low on my list this morning as I was trying to find a clean shirt. You see, the baby ate my shirt.
Respectfully yours,
"That Mom"
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Dear Grocery Stores of Connecticut,
I highly recommend that at least one of you start stocking Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. It is just a suggestion, but it might reduce the number of complaints you've been getting about a deranged woman, crying, in the fetal position, in your freezer sections.
Pleadingly yours,
A Mother of Five

Old Photos From Mother's Day 2008

Never assume that just because your husband is lying right there that it is safe to leave a baby alone with a jar of Nutella for a measly 5 minutes.

Because you know how you spell assume, right?

It's ok, baby, if it were me I'd have done the same thing.

Not All That Glitters is Gold

While hitting the Christmas clearance sales the other day, Sweet Terror came up to me holding this ginormous lollipop. Her eyes were big and shiny as she guardedly asked, "Mommy, can I have this?" I could tell she was too experienced to hope much, and I almost said no right away, but then I looked at the price, calculated the clearance discount, and thought, "Why not?" I said yes, and the joy that flooded that little girl's face was well worth the 25 cents and any inevitable cavities.

To everyone we encountered in the store she would proudly show her lollipop, declaring that her mom was going to buy it for her. Each time she asked me to buy a toy that she saw in the store all I had to do was remind her that she was getting a lollipop and she would smile and say, "Oh, right. I love my lollipop." She obediently waited till we returned home and ate our lunch, even eating every carrot on her plate, until it was finally time to open the luscious confectionery swirl of joy. Upon sinking her teeth into the top arch, she reeled back, spit a little and said, "Mom, it tastes like play-dough. Yucky play-dough." (Is there a yummy kind?)

Thinking it might just be a bit old I told her to give it a few more licks, you know, to get past that first wrapper scented layer of candy. She tried but could only manage one more lick before declaring that she no longer wanted it. "I'm sorry you don't like it, sweety, go ahead and throw it away."

Later that day I went in the kitchen and found her lollipop sitting on the counter. I picked it up to see why it was so yucky. It smelled more like perfume than candy, and then I noticed the tag:

Sweet Shop Fun Soap

I guess we got suckered. And I will be less likely to tell my kids to retry things they say they don't like in the future.

Fad Diet Ideas

When I first started blogging I started several blogs but couldn't remember my passwords, usernames, or new "blog only" email addresses. For example, the original My Ice Cream Diary has the word "my" in its web address. But I forgot the username and corresponding email. So there it sits, with only one lonely post, all on its lonesome. But that one lonely post is something I still find kind of funny, so I'm going to repost it here so you all can see it.

I read some where that if one diet doesn't "work" you should keep trying until you find one that you like. I've tried a lot of them but so far with very little success. So, I came up with some fun ones to try that I think are GUARANTEED to make you eat less. Here they are:

1. Terrible Two Diet: You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want but you must do so while holding a 2 1/2 year old child in your lap.

2. Car Seat Diet: You can eat whatever you find in your children's carseats. Don't worry there is enough food in those things to sustain life.

3. Mystery Diet: You can eat whatever is hiding in the back of your fridge in an unmarked tupperware container. A bit risky, but you never know when you might get lucky.

4. Preschool Dessert Diet: You are only allowed to eat sugar when surrounded by a group of preschoolers. Don't forget to set a good example by sharing. You will never be able to save enough for yourself so all desserts are guilt free =)

5. Vegemite Diet: You are allowed to eat anything you want on this diet as long as you spread it with a 1/8 inch layer of vegemite.

6. Daily Milkshake Diet: You can eat what ever you want on this diet. The only requirement is that you take all your meals/snacks/desserts for that day and blend them all together in a big milkshake and consume through a straw. Imagine your appetite after a few sips of Cocoa puffs/cookies/tuna sandwich and a side salad/hamburger with french fries and onion rings/and some mid-night-ice-cream milkshake. Best of all this diet is very portable, just pour into an empty water bottle and take it with you.

I hope this helps anyone out there who is looking for a new diet to try. If you think of any others please share them. =)

Good, Bad, Ugly

THE GOOD

A lovely photo of Tiffany's daughter, Sabrina, that I took while sitting next to her in the car. She has the cutest blue green eyes. THE BAD

Caramel Popcorn is no longer on my list of Sabbath Day activities because I almost started cussing after spilling an entire batch of it in my oven last night. It started 2 oven fires, smoked up the house, there was nothing left to munch on, and I STILL had to clean up the usual mess plus that of the oven and the floor. I had to eat 2 bowls of Dreyer's Girls Scout Samoa Cookie ice cream to calm myself down.

THE UGLY

Guess who is crawling everywhere these days? Aaaaannnnnd guess who really needs to mop more often? So so so gross!

Scaaaary

I think I've officially found something to replace my fear of ventriloquist dummies. I was window shopping on craigslist today when I saw this:

childerens bench (animal) - $20 - pic <<furniture by owner

Seems innocent enough, right? I'm thinking Noah's arkish, maybe a giraffe or elephant. Nothing could have prepared me for... for... well, just look for yourself.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

That ad should have come with a warning, or some sort of MPAA rating, dontcha think? The scariest part of all was that they wanted 20 bucks for this freak show. Would someone please hurry and buy this to save other craigslist browsers from the unexpected horror?

Jumping For Joy

We are all jumping for joy because Cheeks is finally feeling better. He has been very sick these past few days, coughing, weezing, rubbing his snot all over me; but today he is back to his bouncy little self. But don't take my
word for it, see for yourself.



This bouncer toy is made all the more cool because I bought it off craigslist for only 5 bucks. That's worth jumping for joy as well.

Potty Rage

This is what happens when you send your husband to buy a replacement toilet seat and he goes with a friend and they think they are so funny:

(hurts your eyes to even look at it, doesn't it?)

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This is what happens when mom is sick of yelling, "WHO FORGOT TO FLUSH????"

More Green Beans

I am still too busy to sit and write a thoughtful post today. Tomorrow I am putting on a baby shower for one of my friends from church, and I'm just starting on the quilt that I want to make her (I'm such a procrastinator). If it weren't for my other friend, sariqd, I would have had to give up the idea of a quilt because I'd still be putting off all the things she helped me finish yesterday. I hope to have lots of photos of it to share next week as well as book reviews, movie reviews, jumping back onto Lara's Smart Habit Saturday (or should I even bother with the baby coming?), a post about autism spectrum disorder, a post about Friday preschool, and my promised posts about great literature for children, etc. See? I have high aspirations for this blog. Really I do. But for today you will have to be content watching how Sweet Terror gets her daddy to eat green beans. She used to do this almost every night as a way of avoiding her own food. Apparently daddies have a hard time saying "no" to little girls. (This was taken about a year and a half ago. Oh, and notice Monster Man's reaction to being asked about eating his carrots).

Adding To My Blog Addiction

(I rudely swiped this all too perfect image from HERE)

Every now and then, when I am feeling particularly lazy and need something to do that doesn't require physical movement or too many brain cells, I like to go blog hopping. I jump from random blog to random blog, sometimes finding something good enough to read and, though rare, sometimes even finding something that is worth putting down my ice cream so I can leave a comment. Usually, though, even if I find something good I don't usually go back because it really is hard to keep up with the blogs I already read daily. But then there are the rare, wonderful moments when I find a great blog, a blog so awesome that not only do I read and comment, but I get hooked and spend obscene hours ignoring my family as I read through all of their archives and past posts, leaving an embarrassing amount of comments in their email inbox. Usually these are blogs that have been recommended to me by other bloggers. Well, I have just finished reading ALL, as in every single post, from a blog that my friend, Becky, mentioned in her blog. If you are interested in Crohn's Disease, are raising boys, have twins, have a hard time surviving the wonderful world of momness, or just need to feel like you aren't the meanest mom ever, you will love this blog:

The Meanest Mom

Now, I really need to get the dishes done, make dinner, and wash my kids' faces so that my husband won't think I've been doing nothing but read blogs all day. =)

Funny Science

I am off to teach a bunch of boys about the filtering systems of the human body. In honor of today's subject, I leave you with one of my dad's favorite jokes. It must be read with heavy Irish brogue.

Shamus is lying on his death bed and beside him is his bosom buddy, Finn.

"Finn, Finn, I need ta ask yeh ta do me one last thing behfor me bones are covered in dirt."

"Shamus, mah boy, yeh only need ask an it's done."

Reaching out a shaky finger, Shamus points to the bed side table. "Open tha drawer and pull out what's inside."

Finn opens the drawer and pulls out a bottle of very old and very fine whiskey. "Ai, I have it now."

"Right. Now, Finn, once they've lain this sorry body in the ground, and before they've laid the mud over me box, I'm askin' that ye pour that fine whiskey there all over me casket. Would ye be doin' that now for your dear old friend?"

Finn looks at that fine bottle of whiskey, then he looks at his friend, he looks back at the whiskey and then slowly says:

"Sure, Shamus, sure... but... but would you mind if I be pourin' it through me kidneys first?"

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Sweet Terror runs up to me without a diaper and asks to go poopoo on the toilet. (in case you didn't know I have started potty training twice and have given up twice). Excited I said, "Ok, lets go poopoo on the potty." Refusing to go back to the little potty I sit her on the big toilet and squat down in front of her to make sure she doesn't fall in (that bum is so tiny and that toilet is so huge). She sits and starts talking in her hard to understand but adorable mumblish,

"Anagonnaplash" (The poop will make the toilet water splash)

Fffftht (passing gas)

"Hee hee hee, dats noisy anagonnacome out gonnaplash"

Fffftht

"Aha! Hee hee"

Ffftht ftht ff ftht

"Wasat? (grunt) inapoopoo hee hee"

Fffffftht ftht tht tht ft

Now I know parents are not supposed to laugh when their children pass gas, and I didn't, for the first several toots anyway, but come on. I am only human, and a naked cherub tooting right in front of me is just too much for even my rock solid mommy values. I was laughing so hard I had to get up and leave, and as I left she was still making noise. Luckily, as soon as the audience was gone she actually dropped the load. YAY! There is hope yet.

Monster Man, with funny bed head and those big just-woke-up eyes, standing in front of the open fridge at 8am, clutching a package of rarely bought hotdogs to his chest.

"Mom, can we have hotdogs for breakfast?"

"No, honey. But we can have them with lunch today."

"And can we go camping with Drew for lunch today?"

"No, we can't go camping for lunch today." That shows how often we buy hotdogs around here.



Pablo comes home from school the other day and I ask him, while feigning casual curiosity instead of the serious worry I feel, "Hey, Big Guy, how was your day today?"

"Mom, it was the BEST day ever. You were right, I LOVE school! Today was much better than yesterday."

"That is great. So, what made it so great?"

"I got two cupcakes in class today because it was a birthday for twins in my class. But yesterday only one kid had a birthday so I only got one cupcake."

I guess if ice cream can make my day better then cupcakes can do it for Pablo.

Cookie and I were having a serious discussion (ok, it started as a lecture but then I turned it into a discussion) on name calling, being kind, and choosing the right even when at school where mommy can't see you. She started crying and said, "I feel so bad about something else, mom. Sometimes kids say that you... that you..."

"What honey?"

"It's so awful, I can't say it."

"Honey, there really isn't much the kids at your school can say about me that would upset me. Were they talking about my messy hair, our ugly car, or how many kids I have?" (I was thinking up all the things a kid could say about me having only seen me for possibly 2 minutes as I drop her off at school)

"I just can't. It is so bad."

"Honey, just tell me."

"They say things like, 'Your mom is so fat that... that...' well, then they say really bad things."

I started laughing and she looked at me like I had gone crazy. I said, "Do they say things like..." and then I listed some of these. She started crying even harder and nodded her head. Then I had to switch the conversation to the intricacies of Yo Mamma jokes, when they are ok and when they aren't, and that I was most certainly not going to get offended by little punk kids, who've never even seen me, saying I was so fat that they used my belly button as a swimming pool. She was so relieved. Poor girl, here she thought the kids at school really thought I was that fat. =)